Sunday, 5 June 2016

a twenty something horror story: the like

the like - definition:
a complete and utter mistake made by twenty somethings during an instagram stalk. often of a distant friend of a friend's aunties sister, 78 weeks deep, at 3am after too many gins. also referred to as 'omgomgomgNO'

she felt invincible.

it was 2am. the night had passed in a whirlwind of gin, dancing, pop music with a little bit of beyonce thrown in when the mood had sunk (this normally happens after 'titanium' has been played, followed by 'wild ones', and if you're really unlucky, followed by 'gangnam style). the girls had a whale of a time, nostalgically laughing about their naughty university years, sneering at the story of someone's boyfriend who 'definitely doesn't deserve you, hun' and posting (what seemed to be at the time) seductive snapchat videos with the dog filter... only to find, in the cold light of day, it was just a bleary eyed, intoxicated heavily made up girl sticking her blue WKD tongue out at a camera over and over again (note: the WKD was ironic. obviously)

she was lying in bed, checking up on what she'd missed in the 3 hours of dancing, jaegar bombs and drunkenly reapplying her velvet teddy. first, she updated the mail online to ensure no more national treasures had died, then Facebook to see if the club had yet uploaded the official photo of her and the girls looking HOT. no prevail. twitter was next on the cards, and she even posted a quippy 140 characters stating 'best night everrrr with the galz. u ok hun?!' smiling crying emoji. that's bound to get a few retweets, she smugly thought. 

then, she saw it. 

her jaw opened and she even pulled her phone out of the charger in disgust. her friend's ex boyfriend had tweeted. what an absolute outrage. what an absolute idiot. how dare he. the cheek of it. the incriminating tweet read:

well. the damage was done. it was screenshotted within seconds, military precision as it was automatically put in the cackling Whatsapp Group of the ladies, featuring said idiot's beautiful ex girlfriend, who assured the girls daily that she was over said idiot, and had recently even stopped crying after one shot of tequila - progress and maturity had sunk in, with a few hundred listens of 'since u been gone' by kelly clarkson.

she suddenly felt a wash of the worst emotion known to man sink over her - FOMO. she had not yet seen this instagram, her recent instagram stalk had seen her delve into the jungle also known as 72 weeks deep on an old friend from school's new best friend. she closed whatsapp, and got into her groove. she stretched out her fingers, clicked her neck, and searched the idiots instagram.

she cackled and rolled her eyes at the RIDICULOUSNESS of the photo. he was, get this, smiling with a group of his friends on a night out. what a loser. the heartbreak behind his eyes for his beloved ex was obvious. you can so tell he's pining for her. it's pathetic. it's just so obvious. what a moron, she thought, and she continued to scroll down his photos. 

awh, a photo of idiot and beloved best friend. true happiness. you can tell he misses her as he hasn't deleted it. 

12 weeks deep.

omg who is that who liked it?? that's her. the new girlfriend!

see profile.

uch. what a tart. look at her. 

tbf i like her skirt there. NO. betrayal! we must hate her.

14 weeks deep.

her brows there are shit.

45 weeks deep.

this is definitely making me feel better as a friend hating this random girl. this is true sisterhood. #feminism.

78 weeks deep.

who is that tagged... 

taps screen.


oh no.

it's happened. 

her heart fell into her toes. bile rose in her stomach, but not in the usual way post night out. she felt sweaty, and cursed the digital world for abusing her in this way. in her arrogance, in her haze, she had committed the like. she had liked a photo 78 weeks deep. it was out there. as a social media veteran, she realised this day may come, but didn't realise she would fall so brutally on the digital battlefield. 

the clock read 2:38am, the liking hour. surely she wouldn't be awake to receive this like??? she quickly unliked the photo. but does this add fuel to the fire? will there be a notification anyway? why oh why do they teach Pythagorus in school when really we need to know this??? the deed was done. there was nothing she could do. she threw her phone on the floor in disgust. it was definitely technologies fault, and not her drunken thumb. 

i hate social media. what a bloody nightmare. she thought. then tweeted, with the hands over eyes monkey emoji.

you know. for good measure.

the end.


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